Tough Love

I'm wondering if single parenthood gets easier or harder as children get older. As of now, I say it only gets harder. I hope that when Braylen gets old enough to understand more, that it will become at least a little easier. Parenthood in general is not easy and does not come with a 'Parenting for Dummies' manual. It's a learning process that is probably never mastered by anyone.
My son lives with me and Kenny and stays with his dad every weekend. A weekend full of playing video games, staying up late, sleeping in, and other fun stuff. At home during the week, he has a bedtime, school, and I can't play games constantly with him. He's only 4, so I know he has yet to grasp the whole situation. I have nothing against his dad and try to maintain a civilized relationship with him for Braylen's benefit. It just hurts when I end up looking like the bad parent who doesn't spend enough time with my child. I love him more than anything.
I disagree with staying together for the kids, although now I completely understand why so many couples choose to do so. I'm also not judging anyone. I believe getting out of a relationship that is not going to work is the best thing for children in the long run. It's really tough in the short term though.
My son has recently began to tell me that he does not want to live with me and even that he does not love me. (And then tells me he loves me as big as the world the next few minutes). It has been over 2 years when we seperated. I know he does not mean the things he says that hurt, but I am still having a hard time dealing with the fact that he is too young to understand why things are the way they are. It still breaks my heart when he says those things. No one can possibly understand how it feels, unless they have been there, and even then it's different for everyone. Trying to explain it doesn't work either.
Being a mother is the greatest gift in the world. I know one day, Braylen will begin to realize things in life aren't simple. I will continue to show him and tell him how much I love him and let him deal with his feelings however he sees fit. I'm sure he's confused, sad, and angry. I only wish I could make those feelings go away. Knowing that I can't is the worst feeling for me, as a mother.
I'm thinking that a week with dad and weekend with me may help, so then he could see there would not be many differences between the two.
Sorry for my depressing blog! I just needed to vent.

2010

So it's now 2010 & I just felt like setting up a blog to use for random ramblings & such. I hope it at least halfway interests those who choose to take a glance, but if not that's okay, it will be my outlet. I have always enjoyed writing & will use this blog to keep myself entertained & hopefully other people as well.

My new year's resolution is to be more outgoing, the same resolution as the past few years. Hopefully this will be the year I at least come close to reaching it. It's hard to change yourself. I'm not saying it's impossible, but it is difficult. I'm so shy that I am often seen as being stuck up & I don't like the way I feel others see me. I also know that to have others see you for who you truly are, you have to be confident & see the good in yourself first. I wish confidence could be bought, like pretty much everything else can be. I mean, what are WalMarts for, they have everything :p

So this year I hope to become more outgoing & confident & spend the new year living life to the fullest. I wish everyone all the best in this new year & always:) Bring-It 2010!